Expectations

I had a lot of expectations about moving to Korea. I expected to be lonely. Homesick. Scared. I expected I wouldn't make friends for a long time. I expected to feel extreme culture shock. I expected to feel lost and confused in a strange country where I don't speak the language. I fully expected I would panic upon arrival and regret my decision to move 5500 miles from everything I know and everyone I love.

And I did feel all of those things. However, it was not when I expected I would. Instead of it all hitting me as I was leaving, it happened several weeks prior. I spent ten gut-wrenchingly miserable days trying to think of any way to get out of it, convincing myself that I was making a huge mistake. All I could do was obsess about how I wasn't brave enough to make such a big change in my life. I told myself that I would be okay if I didn't go. I could still live with my parents and work 12 hours a week as a janitor. Even though I literally wasted the last year of my life, depressed over being unemployed and nearly friendless (thank you everyone for moving out of Oregon), I tried to tell myself I could still continue do it. That I could find a job. That the last year and 75 denied applications were just a fluke.

But I made it through. Talking to current teachers helped, but it didn't pass until what I knew overcame what I felt. I knew I should do this. I knew it would be amazing. I knew that I couldn't pass this up because I scared. I became ambivalent about going, mentally exhausted from too much research and too many emotions. I was distantly anxious, but I didn't have it in me to care enough. Even at the airport, as I left my family and friends behind at security, I wasn't engulfed in the clammy fear I expected. When I left for my trip last year, I spent the first 30 hours feeling like that. But this time I knew I would miss them and was okay with it. I was sad, but not consumed.

Now that I have arrived, I am still waiting for those feelings. Perhaps it is because I have done little solo wandering, but so far I am almost unphased by the differences. I have experienced zero culture shock. Everything has fascinated me. It is so different from anything I've experienced, but I love it. Admittedly, I've been really lucky. I have been placed at a wonderful school with helpful teachers and a caring boss. I was able to talk to some other foreign teachers before arriving, so it's not all new. The foreign teachers I've met have all been welcoming. And I know that not everyone has had it so easy.

Since it has been so easy, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. My life is a balance and I don't know if I've reached the correct balance yet. Is this smooth transition making up for my pre-departure freak-out? Or because it was so easy, is there something terrible in store for me?

Please don't misunderstand me. There are hard spots. I have to learn a completely new job. This is probably my biggest worry. I don't know the system, I don't know how to teach, I don't know anything about kids. But it feels like the struggle to learn any new, difficult job. I have to make a completely new set of friends, but the teachers I've met so far are great. I know almost no Korean. I haven't slept much since arriving, which I think is a combination of jet lag, nerves, and the cement mattress in my hotel.

And I know that this excitement I feel now will fade to acceptance and finally annoyance. The bright lights and crazy traffic, which I love now, will start to irritate me. Real homesickness will set in and I'll desperately want to see my family. The kids will eat at my soul. But by the time that happens, I expect to be prepared and have to tools to handle it.